


Not <Good>

by RedSky18



Category: Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Gen, this is basically just a parody joking a lot of stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 22:56:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8304410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSky18/pseuds/RedSky18
Summary: There's been a robbery at Rokkenjima High School, and the self-proclaimed Student of Truth is going to find out who it was.





	

“Dlanooor!” Erika busted through the drama room doors. Dlanor said nothing at first, and instead just stared at her enraged friend approaching her. Erika ignored the glare from the teacher and continued towards the quiet girl,

“You won’t believe what happened!” If she was steamed before, she was fuming now. Just recalling her thoughts and preparing to share them to another seemed to get her going. Dlanor sighed. She wondered what her friend was overreacting about _this_ time.

“ERIKA. Can you wait until we get back to lunch to tell ME?” And with that sentence, Dlanor came to regret bringing up lunch as it seemed Erika had been waiting for that one word.

“Ah, Dlanor. I’m glad you mentioned that. I have a problem, and it’s about lunch. _My_ lunch.” She waved her hands dramatically to emphasize, “Dlanor. We have a thief on our hands!” The other girl stared and blinked a couple of times.

“…And you want my help to catch THEM?”

“Of course, you idiot! You’re my only friend and you know the rules of mystery like the back of your hand!” Erika smirked. Dlanor closed her eyes briefly before opening them again,

“Maybe I’m your only friend because I’m the only one willing to put up with your ABUSE.”

“Be quiet, Dlanor! I may not have friends, but I have _fans_! I’m _famous_!”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘INFAMOUS’.” Dlanor mumbled, but Erika heard nonetheless. However, she seemed to be growing more eager by the minute to solve the case,

“Minor details! I’ll find the truth to prove you wrong another time! Right now, we have to find our culprit before lunch ends!”

“Of COURSE.” Dlanor gave up any hopes of getting to eat her lunch first. They walked out of the room together at a fast pace. Walking down the hall, Erika asked the other to refresh her memory on the Knox Decalogue, to which Dlanor explained. It was only after answering Erika’s questions that Dlanor asked her own,

“What exactly was stolen ANYWAY?” Erika’s eyes glistened and she spoke with the same passion she always had when on this topic she held close to her heart,

“My chopsticks!”

Dlanor stopped in place even as Erika kept walking. When she realized she wasn’t next to her anymore, Erika looked back,

“What are you doing!? We’re on a time limit!” Her friend, however, didn’t move and instead said,

“So…your food wasn’t even STOLEN?”

“I didn’t say it was, did I?”

Dlanor felt slightly annoyed, but her calm expression remained on her face,

“…Then why can’t we just go eat lunch first? You can just use a fork-“

“A _FORK_!?” Erika scoffed, “What is a fork compared to chopsticks? Nothing. At least nothing outstanding. I want to use my chopsticks to eat. They’re extravagant. And I’m extravagant. And I’m going to be even more so when I solve this case. I don’t care that I can’t eat my food. There is a mystery at this school, and I’m going to solve it! Solving it will be my reward! Getting my chopsticks back will just be a bonus! The food is just a side to something much bigger! Now let’s continue onward to the scene of the crime!”

Dlanor said nothing in return, knowing that if she did, they really wouldn’t make it to lunch on time. So she just silently followed, questioning herself why she hung out with this person at all.

“First off! Every great detective knows that to solve a mystery, you need to figure out the three core pieces of information: the how dunnit, the who dunnit, and the why dunnit!” Erika glanced at the other with pride, “I’ve already figured out the how dunnit! All morning, I was in Ronove’s cooking class, when he asked me to take some goat cheese to Vigilia, because Gaap kept taking hers or something. When I came back, they were gone! Before I ran that errand, I had my lunch in my sight all along, so no one could have gotten my chopsticks in that time span. And since I’m the detective, my perspective is objective, so there’s no questioning it. Which means the culprit made their move in the gap of time when I wasn’t there!”

“That sounds REASONABLE.” Dlanor commented, “Now you just need to find the who and the WHY.”

“That’s right, Dlanor!” Erika spoke with excitement, “And I already have two suspects that would make the ‘why’ ridiculously easy to figure out.”

As they approached closer to the classroom where the crime had taken place, Dlanor began to connect the dots and came to the conclusion that she figured her friend had as well,

“You MEAN?”

“Yes!” the blue-haired girl laughed as they finally reached the door to their destination, “Ahh, this is truly turning out to be a 3rd rate mystery.”

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this like months ago but am finally getting around to typing it out. Lol, do you ever just read something way after you write it and wonder, "The fuck was I thinking?" ???? I feel that way with a lot of the humorous stories I write :D


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